To the person i’ll always have a thing for

​If I was not a coward,
I would have made a move
not to make you mine
but to make you feel loved
Yes, it is love that I feel
it took months to realize it’s real
several attempts to deny it
and several failures to stop it
All I hear is your voice
my everyday kind of melody
my only favorite noise,
the only sound for my ears’ sensitivity
All I see is your eyes
the galaxy, right before me
always been hypnotized
by staring at them with glee
No words can describe
the feelings that I hide
they haunt me everytime
and kills me inside
I never wanted you out of my sight
Me without you I can’t visualize
the longingness I can’t fight
I miss you so, I agonize.

Blog under construction..

So, I decided to reopen and restore this blog since that I am currently unemployed (I resigned from my job last December 2). I am trying something new..no this is not new to me because I loved writing ever since (even if my grammar sucks). The new thing for me is that, I finally decided to start creating real stories. “real” because I always plan and plan to make one but I always ended up too lazy to make those plans happen. Also, I want to make my days productive.

I used tumblr for months just as how I use twitter to rant and express my thoughts (bc they were the only social networking sites allowed to be accessed in my previous company). Since that I have followers on twitter who I know in person,I post my deeper and more personal thoughts on tumblr wherein I’ve known no one. I even blocked ,my best friend even though she knows me well. My posts were filtered after she followed my blog.

After my resignation, I watched movies and tv series every night. First, I became obsessed with Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins. I read (by listening to its audio book) Hunger games in the day and watched the movies every night. Even if I was done watching its movie series, I continued reading (listening) the book series. When I reached Mockingjay, I read the tangible book. I became preoccupied by it every night and every day.. Back to the movies, because of the Hunger Games, I also became obsessed with Jennifer Lawrence (she’s really Gorgeous that I want to marry her lol). I downloaded her movies, even the 2015 film Serena (which sucks though she and Bradley Cooper did a great job and it was not their fault if the story and the director sucks whoever he is). After finishing the Mockingjay book, I felt that I am unfaithful with Hunger Games (feels like I am a traitor. yes I know its weird) when I started reading Wonder by RJ Palacio (Auggie is so cute and witty). After that, I decided to read the ebook I downloaded weeks ago, entitled The Price of the Salt by Patricia Highsmith. I was intrigued by the story when I watched its movie adaptation, Carol (2015). I was curious on Therese’s thoughts in the process of knowing herself and figuring out how she fell in love with another woman, Carol. I loved the story because of its unique plot. Two women falling in love with each other during 50s (where same-sex relationship or homosexuality were taboos) without any hindrance but law and selfish men. Another thing is that I loved Carol’s character. A strong-independent-caramel-tiger woman (term made by my colleague) who knows when to fight and surrender, who knows how to love so endlessly and unforgetfully, who can endure pain for months even for years, and who is more responsible than by men I’ve known. Oh I really love her character plus the fact that she really is beautiful. Her strong eyes can penetrate to your soul. No wonder why or how Therese fell in love with her that fast. I adore Highsmith’s masterpiece.

To sum it up, I would love to create something because I am inspired and I want to express myself, my thoughts, my repressed emotions and my hidden desires. I want to turn my unfortunate events into happy endings. Answer my what ifs and whys. I want to turn them into literature to make sense out of them. This blog is made not to impress other people. I just want to be myself. Regardless of who reads this or if anyone or no one is reading this or would be reading this.

P.S.,

Sorry for I forgot the subject verb agreement. For constructing the paragraphs above. For having a dangling modifier or any grammatical errors. I forgot them all.

This Is What It’s Like To Be Loved By A Writer — Thought Catalog

Paolo RaeliIf you think she hasn’t written about you, you’re highly mistaken. If you’re of any importance at all, she’s scribbled your name down within her pages. She will describe the way you make her think. She’ll capture the way her mind comes alive, how it spins and breathes when she is speaking to you.…

via This Is What It’s Like To Be Loved By A Writer — Thought Catalog

SUNDS

The bed seemed so hypnotizing.

I lay down with my eyes squinting

I fall deeper unto sleep

Falling deeper in the depths of sub-conscious

There I go.

Giving my all

My mind, my body, my soul

And finally fall asleep.

Someone led me to somewhere

Who is that? Where am I?

I am finally lost

‘coz I gave my all

I am choked

I fainted as I ran after my breath

wondering why I’m still alive

when I know I’m near at Hades’ arms

My heart pounded

Hyperventilation occurred

I struggle for life I want to end

‘coz I don’t want to suffer again.

“In Jesus’ name! In Jesus’ name!!!…”

A Severe Unexpected Nocturnal Death Syndrome

attacked me.

Balon

Sa di kalayuang ika’y makita
Halo-halo aking nadarama
kaligayahan at pagkataranta
Bumabahid ang kalungkutan sa mga mata

Umaapaw ang aking kaligayahan
Pagkat aking nasilayan
Iyong mga ngiting nagtatamisan
At mga matang nagsisitingkaran

Ako nama’y nababalisa
Hindi malaman kung tama
Aking mga kilos na ginagawa
At mga sinasambit na barirala

Kalungkutan at paghihinagpis
Ay aking tinitiis
Atensyon ay hindi malihis
Pangungulilay labis labis.

Paano ba sasambitin
mga salitang naglambitin
Sa pusong ang puro hinaing
Ay ang sakit na nakahain.

Hindi na ako makapalag
Pagkat ako’y tuluyan nang nalaglag
Ngunit ang damdaminy paano ihahayag
Baka ika’y hindi naman payag

Mga salita’y aking titipirin
Upang itago ang lihim
Na sayoy malalim na ang pagtingin
Tulad ng balong puno ng patalim.

Bundok

Huwag kang magpatalo
Huwag kang susuko
problema lang yan
Hindi ka kakainin nyan

Kung wala kang pera,
mangutang ka
huwag isipin ang hiya
Hindi ka naman nagnanakaw.

Kung sa pagibig bigo ka,
Huwag kang mag alala
Hindi masamang masaktan
marami ka lang dapat matutunan.

Kung mababa mga grades mo
Wag kang matuliro
Hindi lamang iyon ang basehan
Upang tumungo ka sa kaunlaran.

Kung wala kang kaibigan,
Sa problemay walang matakbuhan
Tumingin ka sa langit
Naroroon lang Siya, nakikinig.

Kung nababalisa ka
At nag aalala,
Isipin mo ang mga ibon
Nakakakain sila kahit hindi nag iipon.

Abnormal ka kung wala kang problema
Mas magtaka ka kung wala kang problema
Dahil kung wala kang problema,
Ikaw yung problema,
Sa’yo may problema.

Tuyo

Ako’y lubos na nangungulila
Sa iyong mamahaling presensya
Kailan ba ulit makikita
Ang aliwalas ng iyong mukha

Malapit ka man o malayo
Mga mata ko’y nanunuyo
Mga luha’y tumutulo
Isipa’y tulirong tuliro.

Ngunit bakit pa magpapakatanga
Kung sa langit ay puno naman ng mga tala
Nakikipaglaro sa aking mga mata
Atensyon ay ibaling na lang sa kanila.

Gaano man kalalim
Ang balon ng aking damdamin
Lagi Kong iisipin
Na itoy matutuyo rin.

Ikaw man ay hindi mapasaakin
At patuloy man kitang mahalin
Alam kong ako’y mapapabuti rin
Hindi man ganoon katulin.